First of all, I want to say that nothing that I have experienced lately is in any way 'life-changing'. It was a catchy title but nothing more.I don't think I could be so bold as to say that my life has been changed. It sounds far too biblical for my liking.

Lately though, I've found myself experiencing things in a whole new way. I'm not exactly sure what's triggered it but there's definately a distinct difference in how I'm handeling problems.

I went to the US/Canada for a month and since my return I've been feeling a lot more confident in myself and my abilities. It's been a rough few years for me. Nothing particularly bad has happened, just the usual teenage life..

However, I always created problems for myself when dealing with situations. Exams are a good example of this. If something went wrong outside of school, I would fall apart. It could have been completely irrelevent but my self-confidence would be crushed. It caused problems in my exam preperation and my results really suffered for it.

When I got upset, things would get blown out of all proportion and life would seem pointless. It got to the point where I was feeling suicidal, even attempting to take my own life on one occassion. I'm not entirely sure that I wanted to die but living just seemed a constant drain and ultimately pointless.I felt like this for a long time and I've put my friends and family through hell along the way, something that I'm truely sorry for.

Slightly off subeject, I broke up with my girlfriend in May and although it was something I really didn't want to do, it was something I had to do. For a bit of background info: She cheated on me and we broke up. I went against everything I stand for and decided to give her a second chance. It was clear though that she really wasn't prepared to be the girlfriend worth fighting for so I had to breakup with her for good. It sounds harsh, I know. But she broke my heart when she cheated on me. I loved her more than anything and she broke my heart. Even through that though, I was willing to give her a second chance. I don't regret it. It made me realise that we wern't right for each other. She is and always will be too focused on herself. I'm not holding it against her but it was never going to work. She did a lot of things that just hurt me. She didn't mean it but I guess she couldn't see past herself and wasn't going to change to make me happy.

Breaking up with her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I loved her even through cheating on me and I still do love her. It's given me a lot to think about to say the least. I thought a lot in America about what I want from life and in truth, I found no real answers. But since coming back I definately feel different. I was upset earlier today. I felt lonely. But that was it. I didn't feel like the world was caving in around me. I didn't hate myself and wish that I was dead. For the first time in a while, I was able to think about the positives and be glad I was alive if nothing else. The thought of 'just being alive' never really appealed to me before..

I always wanted to live and not just to exist.. and to an extent that's still true. But when it comes down to it, I can look to the positives when I don't feel like I'm living enough. Doesn't it piss you off when people say 'look on the bright side' and then go off to whistle the monty python's life of brian closing theme? Yes, me too. But looking on the brightside was never easy for me. My mind generally wouldn't let me see a good side and blocked it out by making me hate myself for no valid reason.

Lately though it just feels like things are changing. I'm excited for living my life! I'm looking forward to getting into the world and maybe oneday starting a family and having two cats. I'm excited about going to Univeristy (more excited than I ever have been). I'm looking forward to meeting new people and making new friends and calling up my best friends from home and telling them how much I love it but also how much I miss them. I'm looking forward to seeing my sister tomorrow for the first time in over a year.

It's genuinly impossible to explain how I'm feeling. But I feel like I have a future. That there's something out there for me in the world. I've never felt that I could make something of myself before now.

And I really like it.